I have been very frustrated these days evident of my swollen eyes, empty stares and rugged look.
I have made poems out of the blue mostly of self threats and desperations. I called it "suicidal poetry".
You may wonder why I'm like this when within these years we've been together, I used to be laughing out loud, making jokes, bubbling around and talking as if everything were alright. People see me to be a woman with a very strong personality, brave and enduring to face any setbacks that come.
But there was this time when suddenly I just woke up sad and desperate. One morning, everything seems to be turning their backs off from me.
I was left alone in a dilemma where every insecurity vexed my confidence. Instabilities, single-handedness, loneliness, pressures at work, hopelessness, even debts!
I used to be thinking of better things, kick out all troubles and get along with crises. I've been sponging others' problems, I make frustrated people laughed, I was always a clown to ease their pains and force them to hearty giggles.
But one day-
I just wanted to stop all these. No hassles. No responsibilities to think-
I'm fed up being strong. I just wanted to have somebody to take care of me and think for me.
You see, I haven't cried enough because people were not used to see me crying. But all I want is to cry, to escape and to hibernate away from them. I started to lose my positivity. My world just blackened. I was left alone tearful and depressed. No friends. No families.
I cried over my loneliness- because every night I slept alone and every day I woke up just the same.
I cried over my dead son- my only treasure who was taken from me.
I cried over my work- because it wasn't even recognized.
I cried over myself- because I felt I'm the most gawky and ugly
I cried because when I'm down, seemed like nobody cares. When I think about telling them my frustrations, I ended up thinking that they may just laugh at me.
I have imagined myself being dead- lying into nothingness, sitting in a corner- hopeless- ALONE.
And yes, I have been dead. For two days, I thought I was. I could still feel my slow deep breath leaving my lungs but my mind was numb, conscious but unmoving.